Fowl File: A Tale of Mishappenings
by BaronBamboozle
Summary: My first fic WOOT! OOC, I know. Pretty much Holly trying to get with artemis, but trouble kelp is in the way because he likes holly too and artemis tries to prove that he's a man to impress holly. I suck at summuries, plz read
1. Chapter 1

Butler slowly crept through the door, he said in a rather suspenseful tone "Artemis," Artemis feared for his life at the tone and was prepared to duck and cover like the turtle man on the internet showed him. "I got Chinese!" Butler yelled with glee. Artemis was half was under the covers when he figured out there was nothing to worry about.  
"Don't scare me like that, Butler"  
"Why?" "Because I said so"  
"Good enough for Mew, but not me"  
"Who the hell is Mew"  
"Onward to dinner!" Butler said changing the topic because he thought Artemis was too young to know his secret that he was the leader of Team Rocket. Wondering about his secret, Artemis headed toward the dining room. As soon as he reached the stairs, he told Butler that he would be down there soon, so Butler went ahead suspecting Artemis's behavior, but why did he care. He waited at the bottom of the stairs for an unsuspecting Artemis.  
Artemis looked around carefully making sure no one was watching, carefully placed his butt on the railing slowly, inspected the place for anyone. No one. Let go of the railing and started sliding down, he hated turns though. They always led to him falling off, so he did. His tushie hit the hard cold floor and hurt like hell. He swore, but quiet enough that no one heard. Excellent.  
Unfortunately for Artemis, Butler saw him acting childish sliding down the railing. Surely as soon as they reach the table they was gunna have a long talk about noodles. As soon as they all sat down at the table, it became deadly silent, until Juliet broke the silence mentioning how good the noodles were. No one replied to her, but she noticed that they were both eating unbelievably fast; she knew right away that she wasn't going to have a fortune cookie. Butler finished first because of his bigger mouth and stomach; he snatched one from the table, ate the cookie and began to read it out loud.  
"Good fortune will come soon, that's lame"  
"But a sign of hope, Butler! I still might get the money that I need"  
"I thought you gave up on that after your father returned"  
"But mother and father are on a vacation in Australia, and won't be back any time soon! Artemis Fowl the Second will commit his greatest crime yet"  
"This is what I mean by self-absorbed," whispered Butler to Juliet.  
"I feel sorry for the poor lad; he doesn't have a single friend"  
As soon as Artemis stopped flattering himself, he asked Butler, "This is absolutely delicious! Where did you get this"  
"China"  
"No, really"  
Butler's expression didn't change.  
"Okay then"  
Artemis took a fortune cookie, happy that Butler left one for him, though his stomach ached horridly. He hardly was able to eat the cookie, but when he managed to, he read his out loud. "A friend of yours will become closer to you. What Friends"  
"I think I know!" Juliet was really exited about the fortune, because, as Butler, and both Artemis knew, she loved playing match-maker. Artemis also knew who she was thinking of, but dared not to mention her name. Proud that he wasn't gay though.  
"Want to watch your baby videos, Artemis"  
"No, I have crimes to prepare." "Then do you want help"  
"NO! I mean, your assistance will not be needed for this"  
Butler knew that Artemis wouldn't reveal his REAL business, but it was worth a shot every now and then. Now wasn't one of them. Instead he hoped Juliet would step up to the plate. She did to his disadvantage. "What? Some way to make Holly fall for your charm?" Juliet was holding back a lot more things she could say, saving them for later. LATER! Not good.  
Artemis turned red, "NO! What do you take me for Juliet!" He then took his fork and threw it at Juliet, missed, and hit Butler right between the eyes, but before he could even mention anything about it to Artemis, he was already half way up the stairs. "Did you see how red he got? He definitely likes her"  
"You should leave him alone about his love life, and if he does like her, it's none of our business. Juliet, get me my coat, I'm going to shop. Don't torment him while I'm gone, I'd know if you did"  
Juliet felt as if all her rights were taken. "Me? Torment Artemis? You must be thinking of someone else, I'm only revealing the truth to him"  
"Then don't do that either"  
"You suck the fun out of everything, ya know that?" 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl. If i did, it would be a romatic comedy like my fic! (And there would be more 'Trouble Kelp Moments'.)

A/N: Hope you enjoy!

Monkie

Artemis's heart was beating fast, was he just actually committing these crimes to get Holly's attention on him, to see her face again? Preposterous! Don't take anything Juliet says seriously, it will only cause your mind to play tricks on you! Like just now… Think Artemis! Why not try to behave like those crazy American teenagers, always bashing each others heads with anything within their reach, and doing thing such as stick suction cups onto their feet, and try to climb up walls just to be like Spiderman, or any other fictional character for that matter. Think like one Artemis, think! Hey, wouldn't it be cool if I tried to make a laser gun out of some rubber bands? I would be like ZOOOM, and he would be like KASPLAT! Then we would like scream, loud, like AHHHHH, and then we would be like laughing at each other and we would all be like HAHAHAHAHAHA! Then we would be like in trouble, and then I would ditch my old folks to hang out with my homies.

I should warn myself next time I zone out and think such crazy things! I'm already thinking of a next time, that's no good, well I could overcome my shock by thinking positive thoughts. Money, fortune, money, me, money, money, money, leaving St. Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen, money… until his thoughts were interrupted by Juliet. "Hey Arty-Sweetie"  
"Juliet, don't call me that"  
"What's the matter? Something I said troubling you"  
"Would it concern you"  
"Of course Arty-Sweetie! Your problems are mine"  
"Didn't Butler tell you not to annoy me"  
"What is this, 20 questions"  
"So what if it is"  
"I know what would cheer you up! Let's watch your baby videos"  
"No thanks, I can't stand watching Butler like a num-chuck anymore or me pooing or whatever"  
"Awww… Still afraid that Holly would reject you"  
Artemis's eyes began to flare, and his cheeks turned pink. "GET OUT OF MY ROOM! I DON"T CARE FOR HER OR WHAT THE HELL SHE IS DOING!" Artemis threw a book at Juliet, who managed to shut the door fast enough. "I'm sure you are thinking of her naked in a shower right now!" Juliet yelled.  
"AM NOT!" Artemis yelled back throwing another text book at her, and failed again. After a few minutes, he'd hate to admit it, but Juliet was right, he was thinking of Holly naked in a shower, and it wasn't the first time either.

Butler entered the manor with a bag full of groceries, and magazines, when he heard Artemis scream, "AM NOT!" "Juliet," Butler moaned. Juliet was walking down the stairs giggling, until she saw Butler, she turned so many shades of white.  
"What did you do this time?" Butler asked feeling like it was the hundredth time he said that. "Hey, only laying the facts on the table for him." she said ever so coolly.  
"Didn't I warn you not to do that"  
"Oppsies"  
"Oppsies indeed."

* * *

Yeah... I'm still learning how to use so don't yell at me! Plz R&R! 


	3. Chapter 3

YAY! Another chap! Dedicated to my first reveiwer!

Me no own Artemis Fowl. Me caveman. Not smart enought to come up with such a cool plot.

* * *

Artemis began to think, Juliet was right, but he didn't like Holly, he was obsessed with her. One look at his screensaver would prove that. He had to tell someone his secret, but not the counselor, stupid Mr. Poe, he didn't know what he was doing. Juliet, she wouldn't tell anyone, and she could help me because she is a friend of Holly's. I better tell her now, before Butler comes home. He ran down the stairs repeating the name of Butler's sibling sister. Only when he reached the bottom of the stairs did he notice that Butler was home, he had to make up something and fast. "Juliet, I just wanted to tell you that you would play a wicked good job as Lady Macbeth in one of Shakespeare's plays, I was thinking of reenacting it, for the heck of it, and you also kick mybutt damn hard in Soul Caliber II"  
Juliet looked really confused, but accepted the complement with a mere "Thank you, I appreciate that"  
"Well Juliet, Artemis seems in a rather good mood, I'll let you off for today"  
Butler left the room looking suspicious, as soon as he was out of sight, and out of hearing range Juliet spoke.  
"Thanks squirt, you saved my back there"  
"Don't mention it, and don't call me squirt"  
"You got it"  
"First off you will have to enter my den a.k.a. my room"  
"What happened to stay out of my room, cave boy"  
"You always manage to come up with new nicknames, don't you"  
"That's an American woman for ya"

* * *

"HOLLY SHORT!" screamed Root at the top of his lounges, no one was surprised, she was getting in to trouble rather often now-a-days. "Yes Commander?" asked the rather confused fairy (or was it elf.  
"You know exactly what! WHAT IS THIS WHITE CRAP DOING IN MY DESK"  
Holly sniffed it, "It appears to be stale milk, I'd say it's been there for 'bout a month. Maybe two"  
"TWO"  
"Sir, it isn't my fault! You might wanna wash it off rather… soon though"  
"Dismissed for now Holly, I'll catch you in the act, and you will be in big trouble"  
"Right sir, bye!" Holly shot out of the office like a rocket. She was almost caught. But it was worth it. His face was priceless, and doing things like this was the only thing keeping her happy now-a-days. Ever since she had to say good bye to Artemis. Little did she know that Foaly was right behind her.  
"Haven to Holly! Apparently we lost all communication, I repeat we lost all communication." "Oh, sorry Foaly, I've been so deep in thought lately"  
"That's not like you. I asked you if you got away with the milk… or is it yogurt thing"  
"Yeah, but barely, I shouldn't do anything for a while"  
"Still thinking"  
"Yeah"  
"It's about Artemis isn't it"  
"Well, I haven't seen him in a while, I'm just a bit worried, and-" Foaly silenced her.  
"If you want, you can go ahead and see him, I'll hold Root back, along with everyone else. I'll make up whatever excuse. Don't worry, don't look back, just… go"  
"But what if Root…" Holly tried to make an argument, but was silenced by Foaly once again. "Thanks Foaly" said Holly who was breaking into tears. "Think nothing of it." and with those words she went off.

* * *

Artemis was now in an unfamiliar room in the manor, Juliet's room. He was surprised by the pink color choice, and all the furry objects. He felt rather uncomfortable with what he was wearing, he felt naked. He wore a winter-like cap, even though it wasn't cold, a t-shirt that was a few sizes too big, and pants that if he didn't hang on to would fall right off. "Juliet? Is all this really necessary"  
"Your right. You can forget the cigar, Holly wouldn't like it anyways. Why are you holding your pants?" Artemis let go of his pants that immediately fell down. "On second though, I'll get you a belt"  
Juliet ran off. Artemis was now alone and could think. 'Was all this really necessary?' He thought he was just fine. He thought he was good enough…apparently not. Juliet came rushing back in with a belt in one had, and something Artemis couldn't make out in the other. She threw the belt at him.  
"Put it on," she said holding a book. Artemis obeyed her and put the belt on.  
"Your reading a book! Who would have thought"  
"Shut up, Artemis! You should read it, it has the resent dialogue used by teenagers. By the end of the day, I want you to have it all memorized." Juliet gave him a smart-aleck look. Artemis mumbles to himself, and snatched the book from her hands.  
GREETINGS YO!  
WADDUP!  
HEY!  
YO? WADDUP! HEY? These aren't greetings, they're a bunch of letters smacked together! Juliet cannot be serious. Artemis gave Juliet an evil glare, who didn't seem to notice. He practiced the new vocabulary until he appeared fluent speaking them. The time of judgment came.  
"Okay Arty, show me your stuff"  
Artemis hesitated. "Yo, waddup dog! How u been? Wanna hang… no… chill in my wacked out manor?" He felt stupid. "Not bad Arty, could use some work though"  
'Crap'

* * *

The zombie tells you to reveiw. REVEIW! 


	4. Chapter 4

Yo! Chap. 4!

Disclaimer: what? Artemis Fowl? Never heard of him. Definatly don't know him.

* * *

Holly got into one of Foaly's many inventions, this one supposedly allows you to travel to the surface in a matter of minuets rather than hours. No wonder he was somewhat eager for her to leave, he needed someone to test it on and she was perfect. Foaly began to set up a video recorder.  
"Why are you setting that old thing up, Foaly"  
"To record my progress, I always do"  
"Hurry up Foaly or I'll change my mind and take the pod instead," Holly said giving Foaly an evil glare.  
"Aw… widdle elves are so cute when they're angry," Foaly commented.  
"I'm warning you, Foaly!" "Holly, have I ever failed you before"  
Holly pondered this a moment. "Well, there was that one time"  
"Don't you dare say a word more"  
Foaly took a look at his machine. It was ready to be tested.  
"Hop right in deary, it's all yours"  
"Okay then," said Holly jumping off Foaly's desk that she had been sitting on.  
"Just press that button over there. See Ya!" Foaly waved good-bye.  
Holly pressed it and was immediately seeing bright colors flash by. She went light headed; and the movement was so fast that she didn't have time to scream. Soon enough though she was at the surface. She needed to throw-up. Foaly appeared on her watch's screen.  
"How do you feel, captain?" questioned the centaur. "Nauseous and light-headed"  
"Okay, I'll have to fix that"  
"Please before anyone else has to suffer," Holly said as she threw-up.

* * *

Artemis looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like an idiot. He needed to change NOW. Artemis returned to Juliet's room in his regular suit, combed hair and ever so fashionable shoes. She starred at him in shock.  
"What happened"  
"I couldn't stand those pants another minute, that's what"  
"You make little girls cry!" said Juliet in a whimper, "what about Holly"  
"I guess she'll either like me or not," said Artemis coolly.  
"Fine then, do it your own way," Juliet said with a smirk on her face, "but what if she decides to come unexpectedly soon, let's say, about now?" As soon as she said this, the doorbell rang ever so unexpectedly.  
Artemis broke into a sweat. WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?  
"JULIET!" he said in a rather surprisingly high pitch tone.  
"Don't look at me Irish boy, I wasn't expecting that either"  
Artemis squealed, for the first time ever.  
Artemis followed behind Juliet like a scared kitten. Juliet slowly opened the door. Of all people, it was Butler. Artemis let out a sigh of relief.  
"Brother! You scared Artemis don't do that!" she said waving her finger and stomping her foot.  
"I'm terribly sorry, I didn't realize watering plants was one of Artemis' pet peeves"

* * *

Trouble enters in the scene next chapter yo! Peace out and Reveiw! 


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: If I owned artemis fowl It was be more like 'trouble kelp' Screw artemis. But I don't.

* * *

Trouble Kelp, thee Trouble Kelp, stood there, in front of Holly's apartment door. His hair gelled back, his hands sweating, and flowers barely hidden behind his back. He looked at the door and felt dizzy.  
What am I doing here? I can't do this…I guess I can try…  
He reached out to press the doorbell, but before he could, a monitor with a little centaur head planted on it buzzed around him, which, do I dare say, pissed him off. The centaur was squealing about something really fast.  
"Foaly, leave me alone," said Trouble paranoid.  
"Aww… You came to see Holly cause you luv her"  
"CRAM IT CENTAUR, unless you want a bruised face," Trouble said turning red with both anger and embarrassment.  
"It doesn't matter Trouble, she's not here anyways"  
"WHY"  
"How should I put this, she went to the surface to confess her true love for Artemis," Foaly said fiddling his eyelashes.  
"WTF"  
"Oh Trouble, do watch your language, and you do seem to be in trouble," complemented Foaly, with a snicker. "Shut up centaur, I'm going to the surface," said Trouble bitterly, "immediately." Trouble, through this fit of troubled emotions, dropped the flowers. "Prepare me a pod, Foaly."

"Wait a sec Trouble, if you take a pod it'll take forever"  
"Your point"  
"I got a new, faster means of transportation"  
Trouble glared at the floating monitor, that managed to stay still for a few seconds, "I don't trust any new 'inventions' of yours Foaly"  
"But you should"  
"Why"  
"Because by the time you're on the surface, Holly and Artemis may already be in bed." This statement made Trouble stop, almost freeze. Just the thought of it made him skip a heart-beat. "I'll be there soon Foaly," said Trouble with a hint of regret.Dun Dun Dun!

* * *

Holly stood there in front of the manor. She, of course, was invisible, she didn't want to be seen. She stood there thinking what she should do. She was nervous of all things. As she stood there in deep thought, Butler passed by. She hid in the bush hoping Butler wouldn't notice her. Butler was carrying a hose, unfortunately for her, Butler began to water the bush she hid in. She started to cough and gag, her cover was blown. Butler stopped watering the bush with a puzzled glance. He sprayed the bush again, she started to cough and gag again. He pulled out a revolver and began to search the bush. He felt a wet small invisible hand grab his huge finger. He was ready to shoot, until Holly said, "No Butler, stop it's me, Holly!" She coughed while she said this, and didn't say it so loud.  
"Holly?" Butler questioned as she made herself visible. She was soaked because of Butler. She couldn't see Artemis now. "Yes Butler, it's me," she said somewhat sarcastically.  
"Is there a problem that the LEP needs help with"  
"No…" she said semi-quietly.  
Butler put away his gun and glanced at her, "Shall I fetch Artemis"  
"NO"  
Her sudden burst of energy shocked Butler, but none the less, he didn't show it.  
Holly, almost shyly, asked Butler, "Do you think a fairy and a human can ever get along"  
Butler, shocked and confused didn't know what to answer. "I think you and Artemis would be living proof, ay"  
"No not like that Butler," she said turning slightly red, "like… marriage, love"  
Butler once again was shocked by Holly, it was happening rather often now. He answered truthfully, "I'm not sure"  
"That's all I want to know," Holly said in a rather soft voice, "Please don't mention this to Artemis for me"  
"Will do, Captain"  
"Thanks"  
She became invisible once again and started to walk slowly away. When she heard Butler ring the doorbell, as soon as it did she heard Artemis scream Juliet's name. She decided she would take just a glance of Artemis. She watched as Juliet opened the door with Artemis hiding behind her. Artemis' face was full of fear, paler that usual, she guessed. She watched them as they joked around, having fun. She turned the other direction walking down the brightly colored path, not knowing if she'll ever see Artemis again. (A/N: Oh so sad)

* * *

Trouble stood in Foaly's lab, glaring at the centaur with one eye and the tube with the other.  
"I made a few adjustments since the last test subject… I mean friend tried it," Foaly said trying to break the ice.  
"What happened to them?" asked Trouble, concerned, but only slightly.  
"They ended up just fine, it was only the comfort they were concerned about"  
"Great," said Trouble rolling his eyes. He already felt uncomfortable.  
Foaly was typing something in the computer when he saw a message arrived from someone. He would have to talk to them later.  
Foaly began to set up the video camera again.  
"What the freakis that?" asked Trouble.  
"It's a friggin' video camera," Foaly said mockingly.  
"Right," Trouble said with doubt.  
"I record my progress, all the time so I can review flaws later on"  
It sounded convincing enough.  
"Hop in the tube, Trouble." Trouble hopped off Foaly's desk, which he previously was sitting on and stepped in the tube with caution. "Off you go," said Foaly pressing a button. Before Trouble could say anything, he shot up. He felt as if he were being torn it two. He had no time to think. His stomach turned. There was no way this was going to end well. As soon as the 'ride' was over, Foaly appeared on his monitor.  
"How was it"  
Trouble didn't need to respond, he threw up immediately. "That's not good," said Foaly a disgusted look on his face. Trouble wiped the barf off his face.  
"This way of transportation is terrible. I think if we sent troops through it, they'd die before coming out or end up too sick to fight." Trouble was right, Foaly knew it. It will just be another illegal invention in his lab then, one he'll use rather often.

* * *

Yes... Trouble. Gotta love him...

R&R!


End file.
